I often found myself trying to solve everyone Else's problems or at least spreading myself thin enough to feel like I could be there for whoever might be having a difficult day or at least a difficult week. The thinner my time for me got the more stressed I became until one day from around the corner of my door to my room came my mother. She came with a peace offering of hot chocolate and a smile on her face. We talked for what seemed to be hours. She always knew when something wasn't quite right with me.
As I grew older we developed into a mother and daughter team that we often would be teased about because our personalities were a lot alike. The main difference was in the fact that I was so young and inexperienced as to what the world had still to hold for me. I was rough around the edges and she, was wise and polished.
The year I turned twenty I was in college and had a two almost three year old son. My mom was so proud of me making the honor roll and she participated in my awards banquet. I cant ever remember seeing her smile so big. She was gushing with...."That's my daughter." That was the last time I remember seeing her so happy.
She had been hiding from me that she was sick and had just begun going to the Doctor. Shortly after my banquet we discovered that she had Larynx cancer. Cancer had managed to take several of our family members already. Mom was terrified and I followed her when I heard the Doctors saying that she had the fastest growing cancer they had ever seen. While she continued to talk to the rest of the family I found myself outside, alone and stunned. I looked up to see my mom walking across the yard with a cup of tea for herself and me. Tears flowed for so long and by the time we finally stopped neither one of us could bear to open our eyes for the burning.
In all of her fear and pain she endured two surgeries and one was when she lost her voice and had her larynx removed. She was so strong...and I was so weak and scared. Being an only child I couldn't help but imagine my life without her and how empty it would be without my best friend. She had taught me to take care of others and to make sure needs were met but she couldn't teach me how to take care of losing her because she couldn't bare the thought of not having my son and myself with her every day. She once told me that she was not afraid of dying because she knew where she was going. She was afraid of what she would leave behind. The fact that she was afraid of leaving her loved ones alone without her to lean on.
My one last moment that I must tell about the strength of this woman is about when she had her first surgery. As sick and scared as she was she still had to tell each of us what to do and how to prepare for her surgery. She was always such a giver and a people person that she paid attention to behaviors and emotions more than anyone I have ever known. She knew what you needed before you did. On the day of her surgery we all awaited her return to her room. To know that the first hurdle was over was the first step to helping her continue to fight her cancer.
I found myself in her room alone. She knew me so well. I have always wrote down my feelings when they over whelm me and she knew that I was over whelmed at the fear of losing the most important woman in my life. I saw that she had brought some items from home. A magazine and notebook and a few other things. Well, I reached for the notebook and as I opened it.......she had caught me in a daze. I began to cry.. My mother had left a note for me in the notebook. Even in surgery and her life on the line...she found a way to reach out to me. I read the note and took a breath and gathered my thoughts. From that day on..she became the wind beneath my wings. She lifted me up to where I needed to be without even being in the room with me. When she passed away in March of 1989 I lost a huge part of my soul but it mends as new problems come about and I remember what she would have said and done. She taught me how to fight and that's why I do Relay for Life. SHE NEVER LET ME DOWN! I FIGHT IN HER HONOR! PLEASE HELP ME WITH OUR FIGHT! DONATE TO ME AND MY TEAM: FOOTPRINTS OF THE HEART!
http://main.acsevents.org/site/TR?fr_id=50977&pg=personal&px=20079579
Kim Barbee-Tucker :
Honoring:
Carolyn Owens-Barbee-Hoffman 1947-1989
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| My Mother my Friend: The Wind Beneath My | Wings |
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